I was an adult behaving like a 7 year old

I was chatting to my mum last week, and she was telling me about some social situations she had been in recently.  She has just begun to try and venture out more socially and had been observing how people she had been meeting had been reacting to her.  I understood all to well the issues she was raising, because I have learnt many of my social skills from her, and it reminded me of how hard it has been for me and the huge changes I have made to my social etiquette and interaction in the last 4 years.  I have a website and a fuller discussion of issues relating to social skills and emotional health can be found here:- http://www.lifecoachinglls.com/site/2.asp

I used to act like a child

It seems that I have always had an ability to get on with people, and I have until recently had friendship networks extending further than many people I know.  I remember when I joined a new school at age 13 – I reflecting on the fact that I could hang out with anyone in my year, because I knew everyone well enough to do this.  There were 2 girls who had taken a dislike to me, but other than this, I used to completely mix and match who I hung around with.  No-one else in the year could do this.  Most people had specific friends who they would hang around with and did not know other people well enough to hang around with them.  This all changed as we got older, especially after the 5th form when we got a common room for our year.  However, I mention this because it highlights how I have always had an uncanny ability to chat to anyone.

Emotionally Traumatised children

However, in recent years, a psychology lecturer who I have in recent time been doing some research with, was telling us that there are some children who have what I think is termed ‘attachment disorder’ (or it may be a certain type of attachment disorder) who appear to be overly friendly with everyone they meet, hardly discriminating between strangers and people who one might expect them to be having stronger attachments to.  He told us that when children have this disorder in its extreme, it is very difficult to treat.  They form no close attachments because they are just overly absorbed by everyone.  And this, to an extent, reminds me of me.

I thought everyone liked me

A few years ago I had a long-term girlfriend who in many senses was completely the opposite of me.  She trusted almost no-one, and thought that everyone was out to get her.  Many seemingly innocuous comments or behaviours exhibited by others were misconstrued by her as personal attacks against her.  But In the words of H S Sullivan (who has had a massive influence on me), these types of people can be very hard to convince that others are not thinking bad things about them, because often there is a grain of truth behind their seemingly paranoid ideas.  And in many ways I learnt a lot from her, because she would start saying to me ‘You do realise that that person was taking the mick out of you!’, or ‘that person wasn’t being nice to you Phil, what they were saying was to try to spite you!’  And so gradually she burst my bubble.  I started realising that actually some people didn’t like me.  I suspect that thinking everyone liked me was a defense mechanism, and that it was in an effort to protect myself from my ultimate fear: that people might actually not like me.

One of the things I used to do, was to try to appologise for myself all the time, in an attempt to never have wronged anyone, and make sure that I never offended anyone.  And I would always go out of my way to do anything for anyone and I guess that helped me to feel that people would therefore like me.  I also (as a result of my religious upbringing) believed it was wrong to think or say anything bad about anyone, so I would always try to force myself to think the best of people – even if they were being complete arseholes or were acting in a vindictive or abusive manner.  Only if I felt that someone was being overtly unjust would my aggression be triggered.

I had NO control over my tongue – I would say WHATEVER I was thinking

This was one of the worst aspects of my social skills.  Young children often say whatever they are thinking, even if it is completely inappropriate.  I was exactly the same.  It was very childish.  I had no ability to think about whether or not what I was saying would put me in a good light – and most things I said actually made me look extremely bad and socially inept!  If I had had an argument with someone, I would have to tell the next person I met about it.  If I was depressed, I would tell people that I had been suffering from depression recently.  I would also talk openly about sex related issues when talking to friends, including when girls were present, and this was often inappropriate.  But in essence, I seemed to have no ability to control what I was saying.  It was extremely impulsive.  I was also one of those annoying people who would talk endlessly and not be able to finish what I was saying: it was as though I had to say things five times before I was satisfied that I had got my point across.  (Here is a link to the personality profile of the typically impulsive person outlined on my website - this profile really reminds me of how I used to be - http://www.lifecoachinglls.com/site/145.asp)

Learning to act appropriately socially was integral to my emotional recovery

In order for me to explain why I think social skills are so important, I am going to outline some of the theory of Harry Stack Sullivan.  The reason I am going to do this is because I think that what follows (below) is one of the most important aspect of understanding emotional health.

In recent times I have been hugely influenced by the writing of Harry Stack Sullivan.  A branch of therapy called ‘Interpersonal Therapy’ has developed out of his thinking, and I think that this therapy is the closest I can find in relation to my convictions concerning recovery from mental health related issues.  Sullivan talks about a part of our personality that he terms ‘The Self’.  This,  basically, is a term that encompasses every part of our behaviour which is geared towards interacting with others in a way that makes us come across well and encourages others to like us.  Sullivan points out that society has developed, over the course of thousands of years, customs and behaviours which are accepted as socially appropriate.  For example, we say, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, at appropriate times, and if we do this, people feel comfortable around us, because we are acting in a safe and predictable manner.  As long as we act in socially accepted and appropriate ways, people feel safe around us.  In fact, in order for society to remain cohesive and for people to be safe in human society, customs and social rules have been developed, so that people do not overstep their individual boundaries.

These social customs and behaviours that have been developed over thousands of years in human societies, have formed an integral part of human social development and stability.  Therefore, if someone does not follow social etiquette, people immediately feel threatened.  And for this reason, people typically shy away from others if they do not follow social customs and etiquette.

Now Sullivan (and I agree) believes that our emotional stability is dependent upon whether or not we feel that, firstly, those who are closest to us love and accept us as we are.  Secondly, it is dependent on people in general loving and accepting us as people.  Therefore, ‘The Self’ (the part of our personality that learns the customs and behaviours that we must perform in order for others to feel comfortable around us) is integral to our emotional health.  In order for people to feel comfortable and safe around us, we must learn accepted social customs and practises.  If, for some reason, we do not learn to apply social etiquette, people will feel threatened by our behaviour, and in turn this will have detrimental effects on our self esteem.

Learning to chat up girls actually improved my social skills!!!!

This is very embarrassing, but around 4 years ago I started to read some literature about dating, and how to chat up girls.  As with everything I do, I got very obsessed with the literature for a couple of years, and spent much of my time out and about chatting and sometimes dating girls.  It was an interesting experience.  I fundamentally abhor 90% of what the literature taught now, but for a time I bought into it, and actually it was an important part of my development.  Despite the rubbish that it teaches, one thing has had a profound impact on me.  It taught me to pay a much greater amount attention to how I was coming across, because obviously, this was essential if I was to come across well when talking to girls.  In trying to close off this blog, so that you don’t get completely bored, I am going to summerise a few key things that I learnt that have had a profound impact on my social skills.

1) Don’t be overly aggressive

One thing which I learnt whist reading this ‘pick-up’ literature, was that there is no need to argue about something if you disagree with someone.  So I don’t agree with what someone has said.  Perhaps I light-heartedly, in as unaggressive way as I can, point out an opposing point of view to the one the person has presented.  Now lets imagine the person I am chatting to then disagrees with me again.  What do I do?  Well prior to going through my recent social development, I would have argued with the person and made every attempt to ‘prove’ that the other person was wrong.  So what have I achieved at the end of the conversation?  A) I’ve got angry, B) the other person has got angry C) anyone else listening to the conversation now feels awkward D) I look like a twat, who is more concerned about proving I am right than I am with having an enjoyable social interaction.

I believe that anger and aggression is almost always one of the fundamental traits that accompanies mental health related issues.  I was such an angry person before I began this social journey.  I became angry all day, about injustices, about people who weren’t considerate – you name it.  However, during this period, I began to just try to let things go when in conversation.  Remarkably, as time went by, I actually started becoming less angry as a person.  I began to think, ‘actually, this isn’t really such a big deal’.  And I began to let things go.  These days, I am amazed by how good I am at letting things go.  In the end, I realise now that if I get angry, I am harming myself more than the person I am angry with.  Its really important not to suppress all our anger and pretend to ourselves that we are not angry when we actually are – that can be very damaging.  But what I am saying is, that I have actually become less angry as a person over these four years, mainly because I began to get a different perspective on life.

2) Don’t speak just because you want to say something, speak because its going to add something enjoyable to the conversation.

As a result of trying to come across well socially, I began to try to speak in a way that presented me in a good light.  Before this recent social journey, like a child, I would just say whatever was in my head.  Over the last 4 years I have begun to consider what I can say in a conversation in order to add something to the conversation that will be positive, and enjoyable.  There’s no need to speak just to get what is in my head out so everyone knows.

The trait of just saying whatever comes into your head, regardless of the content is strange, and in recent times I have marvelled at how I used to do it.  It now seems very childish to me.  Young children do it, and its as though they haven’t yet separated themselves from those around them: if they are thinking something then it must be shared with whoever is listening.  I think part of it is to get approval.  Eventually a child recognises that they will get more approval if they are careful to act in a socially appropriate manner.  But many who do get stunted in their emotional growth never pass through this stage.

However, some people have the opposite problem

This would be a completely incomplete outline of social dynamics if I didn’t mention that some people with serious emotional struggles have the opposite problem to the one I had.  Some people are so concerned about never saying anything embarrassing or inappropriate that they become cripplingly shy and reserved.  I know a number of people who fall into this category, including one of my close family members, and they would possibly need to move in the opposite direction to the one I moved in during my recent social journey, if they were to experience resulting emotional benefits.  I guess balance is the key – a middle ground: on the one hand learning to get the best out of social situations by acting socially appropriately, but on the other hand being bold enough to contribute and initiate social interaction, and not being too afraid to speak (definately not a problem for me!! Lol)

My self-esteem is so much higher now

As a result of learning to act more appropriately, my self-esteem is vastly higher than it was 4 years ago.  Now I am able to get on and feel comfortable around so many more people, and I know how to get a much better response from people I meet.

Please leave comments

As always I end by encouraging anyone to leave comments.  I have already seen that a hell of a lot of people have read my last blog over the last week, and that people have viewed it in Russia, Germany, India, Canada and the US.  I’m only doing this to try and encourage others who, like myself, have struggled with debilitating emotional health issues.  Its really encouraging to me if I know people are benefitting from my blogs and I would also really love people to feel they can comment and add to what I have said.  Good luck to anyone trying to pursue the road of emotional recovery!

Further Reading

Here is the link to the Wikipedia page about Harry Stack Sullivan, whose theories were drawn on in this blog: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Stack_Sullivan

At the end of the following article is a bibiography of H S Sullivan's work http://www.encyclopedia.com/topic/Harry_Stack_Sullivan.aspx

And here are 2 amazon link to one of Sullivan's books:  The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry http://www.amazon.co.uk/Interpersonal-Theory-Psychiatry-Hs-Sullivan/dp/0393001385/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328019319&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Clinical-Studies-Psychiatry-Norton-library/dp/0393006883/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328019609&sr=1-1

I was a hoarder: I struggled to throw anything away

Hoarding

This is my first post since my 'About Me' post in which I introduced myself.  I thought that I would start off by posting about something quite innocuous.  Recently I have been making great progress in relation to my old hoarding problem and so I thought I would write a little about this.  
My Live Life Satisfied website has a fuller discussion concerning hoarding and if you wish to read this it can be found here:- lifecoachinglls.com/site/154.asp
I was a hoarder

Hoarding began to become quite a problem for me as I was growing up and as I moved into my later teenage years.  Its funny because my dad told me that when I was around 4 years old, I used to keep all the boxes of all my toys and carefully put my toys back in their boxes after I had played with them.  He has told me this recently, and he says that at the time it struck him as strange.  Interestingly he has traditionally been a little bit of a hoarder as well.  

One of the worst aspects of my hoarding has been in relation to paper work.  I think that things may be useful one day and would always keep paper in case they might be useful one day.  I would keep leaflets and receipts and almost anything that I possibly thought I might want at a later date.  As a result, by the end of my teenage years I had many plastic bags full of paperwork.  I would also find it created massive anxiety to have to go through the paperwork, because I really struggled to bin any of it and trying to decide whether or not it would be ok to bin something would be very traumatising.   As I would look at each piece of paper and try to convince myself it was OK to throw it away, my back would start tensing up - literally.  

So I had bags and bags of paperwork in my bedroom.  I left home at age 18 and then began accumulating more paperwork.  I remember when I had to move house once at age 21, and a friend had offered to help me move, he turned up at my house and my whole room was full of paper - all over the floor, and it was a very big room.  He couldn't believe that I had not packed it all away ready to move and we spent hours trying to put it all into bags and boxes.  Years later at age 29 when I moved again, I had 2 friend who had come to help me move and once again on the day they arrived my whole room was full of mess.  I told the girl who had come to help as I looked at all the mess 'I just want to die!'   This was a slightly awkward moment because I had only met her a couple of months before this!

I also think that there are still numerous plastic bags full of paperwork at my Mum's house but I don't have the guts to go and find out.  Usually after I moved house, it would take over a year for me to finish going through all the bags of stuff I had packed up when I had moved. 

Reasons for Hoarding

One thing I have noticed when I have been trying to throw things away, is that I find it particularly difficult to throw away presents that people have given me.  I have a drawer at home that is full of old presents that I haven't been able to bring myself to throw away.  I know, for example that there is a Yo-Yo in there that my aunt and uncle gave me around 15 years ago.  Because it was a present I have felt too guilty to part with it - even though I haven't used it for most of the 15 years and will never use it again.

I also just think I worry that I might need things one day.   In order to contain all my paperwork, last time I moved house I had managed to create folders for all kinds of paperwork and the folders, if piled up would have reached a meter high.  Right now I can see them near me and they are around 30cms high and I think this is great progress.  There used to be folders entitled 'instructions' that contain all instruction that I have ever had.  Its so traumatic to go through the folders that I probably have instructions for things that I haven't owned for 5 years.  There were 'important document' folders and 'things I may need one day' and 'things I may need but are not as important.  

I've made massive progress over the years

Over Christmas I decided to clear out 2 cupboards that were piled high with stuff.  I now keep the doors of these cupboards open so I can see the progress I have made: they are both almost empty now.  In fact one of them is a 2 meter deep cupboard and I was not even aware of this until I cleared it  because before this it was filled to capacity with stuff.  Its still not easy to throw things away but it feels so good to see the clear space.  

I began to make serious progress after I moved house 4 and a half years ago.  I've written about this on the Live Life Satisfied website, but basically I decided that I could no longer tackle the problem in the way I had been trying to.  Up until this time if I was tidying, I would pick up an item and try to argue with myself as to whether or not I might need the item.  Was it possible that I would regret it if I threw the item away?  I could always argue to myself that I might actually need the item in future and so I would almost always end up retaining the item.  However, I now decided I needed to approach this differently.  I decided that my primary aim should not be to try and decide whether or not I might need an item in the future: my aim should be to bin as many items as possible.  I decided that I should start binning items, even if it meant that occasionally I threw something away that I later found I needed.  I reasoned with myself, that for every 10 items I kept, using the argument that I might possibly need them one day, I probably actually only used 1 in 10 of these saved items.  So I decided it would be better to throw away 10 items, and then, if in 5 years time I found I needed one of those ten items, I could just go out and buy it.  The cost of buying the item was worth it if it meant that I had managed to throw away 9 other items that I would have never used.

Adopting this attitude I managed to throw away around a third of my belongings.  A year later I went through the same process and probably threw away half of my belongs again.  Over Christmas when I went through those 2 cupboards, I probably threw away four fifths of everything in the cupboards.  

Amazingly, I have hardly ever needed an item that I threw away during the last 4 and a half years of doing this.  I could probably count on one hand how many times I have later thought 'oh I could have used that if I hadn't thrown it away'.  And of course its easy to buy something if necessary.  

Guilt

I think that it guilt often plays a huge part in stopping hoarders from throwing things away.  In classical Psychoanalytic literature (please understand that I do not endorse all Psychoanalytic ideas, but amongst the many things I disagree with there are some very powerful insights in Psychoanalytic literature) it says many people have an inner guilt and that many behaviours are people's attempts to appease their inner guilt.  Frugality can be very similar: one says 'I must not spend too much money because it is bad to waste money' and so some people will go to incredible lengths to try to save every penny.  I remember a year or so ago trying to justify buying a chocolate bar for this very reason.  I have now begun to buy cups of tea during my working day and a bag of crisps every day because I find that they help me enjoy my day, but it has taken a lot of work to convince myself that it is OK to do this, because basically, I believed deep down that this was wasting money, and I felt guilty about it.  And I think not being able to throw things away is often very similar: we kinda feel like we shouldn't throw things away, because it is a 'waste'.  And so because of our guilt, we end up having maladaptive life behaviours, that make the day to day running of our affairs very difficult.  

However, I believe that these kinds of behaviours actually serve to feed the guilt.  As much as we feel less anxious if we give into the guilt, I believe that if we are to ever get rid of this underlying deep seated guilt, we cannot give into it all the time.  If we do, we just condition ourselves to accept that guilt.  Learning to challenge these thoughts and more importantly acting in a way that visibly demonstrates that I don't agree that I have to feel guilty any more has been integral over the last 12 years, to me learning not to feel guilty about these things any more.  At first standing against the guilt was excruciating, but over  time, through practise, it has got easier and easier, and today I live with very little unjustified guilt.  

Please leave comments

Please do leave comments or ask questions related to this thread, if you have found it useful or encouraging.  If no-one leaves comments, it is difficult for me to know whether or not anyone is benefiting from my posts.  Also, I much prefer to post in response to people's questions than just randomly trying to decide what to post.

Phil