I was chatting to my mum last week, and she was telling me about some
social situations she had been in recently. She has just begun to try
and venture out more socially and had been observing how people she had
been meeting had been reacting to her. I understood all to well the
issues she was raising, because I have learnt many of my social skills
from her, and it reminded me of how hard it has been for me and the huge
changes I have made to my social etiquette and interaction in the last 4
years. I have a website and a fuller discussion of issues relating to social skills and emotional health can be found here:- http://www.lifecoachinglls.com/site/2.asp
I used to act like a child
It
seems that I have always had an ability to get on with people, and I
have until recently had friendship networks
extending further than many people I know. I remember when I joined a
new school at age 13 – I reflecting on the fact that I could hang out
with anyone in my year, because I knew everyone well enough to do this.
There were 2 girls who had taken a dislike to me, but other than this, I
used to completely mix and match who I hung around with. No-one else
in the year could do this. Most people had specific friends who they
would hang around with and did not know other people well enough to hang
around with them. This all changed as we got older, especially after
the 5th form when we got a common room for our year. However, I mention
this because it highlights how I have always had an uncanny ability to
chat
to anyone.
Emotionally Traumatised children
However,
in recent years, a psychology lecturer who I have in recent time been
doing some research with, was telling us that there are some children
who have what I think is termed ‘attachment disorder’ (or it may be a
certain type of attachment disorder) who appear to be overly friendly
with everyone they meet, hardly discriminating between strangers and
people who one might expect them to be having stronger attachments to.
He told us that when children have this disorder in its extreme, it is
very difficult to treat. They form no close attachments because they
are just overly absorbed by everyone. And this, to an extent, reminds me of
me.
I thought everyone liked me
A
few
years ago I had a long-term girlfriend who in many senses was
completely the opposite of me. She trusted almost no-one, and thought
that
everyone was out to get her. Many seemingly innocuous comments or
behaviours exhibited by others were misconstrued by her as personal
attacks against her.
But In the words of H S Sullivan (who has had a massive influence on
me), these types of people can be very hard to convince that others are
not thinking bad things about them, because often there is a grain of
truth behind their seemingly paranoid ideas. And in many ways I learnt a
lot from her, because she would start saying to me ‘You do realise that
that person was taking the mick out of you!’, or ‘that person wasn’t
being nice to you Phil, what they were saying was to try to spite you!’
And so gradually she burst my bubble. I started realising that
actually some people didn’t like me. I suspect that thinking everyone
liked me was a defense mechanism, and that it was in an effort to
protect myself from my ultimate fear: that people might actually not
like me.
One of the things I used to do, was to try to
appologise for myself all the time, in an attempt to never have wronged
anyone, and make sure that I never offended anyone. And I would always
go out of my way to do anything for anyone and I guess that helped me to
feel that people would therefore like me. I also (as a result of my
religious upbringing) believed it was wrong to think or say anything bad
about anyone, so I would always try to force myself to think the best
of people – even if they were being complete arseholes or were acting in
a vindictive or abusive manner. Only if I felt that someone was being
overtly unjust would my aggression be triggered.
I had NO control over my tongue – I would say WHATEVER I was thinking
This
was one of the worst aspects of my social skills. Young children often
say whatever they are thinking, even if it is completely
inappropriate. I was exactly the same. It was very childish. I had no
ability to think about whether or not what I was saying would put me in
a good light – and most things I said actually made me look extremely
bad and socially inept! If I had had an argument with someone, I would
have to tell the
next person I met about it. If I was depressed, I would tell people
that I had been suffering from depression recently. I would also talk
openly about sex related issues when talking to friends, including when
girls were
present, and this was often inappropriate. But in essence, I seemed to
have no ability to control what I was saying. It was extremely
impulsive. I was also one of those annoying people who would talk
endlessly and not be able to finish what I was saying: it was as though I
had to say things five times before I was satisfied that I had got my
point across. (Here is a link to the personality profile of the
typically impulsive person outlined on my website - this profile really
reminds me of how I used to be - http://www.lifecoachinglls.com/site/145.asp)
Learning to act appropriately socially was integral to my emotional recovery
In
order for me to explain why I think social skills are so important, I
am going to outline some of the theory of Harry Stack Sullivan. The
reason I am going to do this is because I think that what follows
(below) is one of the most important aspect of understanding emotional
health.
In recent times I have been hugely influenced by the
writing of Harry Stack Sullivan. A branch of therapy called
‘Interpersonal Therapy’ has developed out of his thinking, and I think
that this therapy is the closest I can find in relation to my
convictions concerning recovery from mental health related issues.
Sullivan talks about a part of our personality that he terms ‘The
Self’. This, basically, is a term that encompasses every part of our
behaviour which is geared towards interacting with others in a way that
makes us come across well and encourages others to like us. Sullivan
points out that society has developed, over the course of thousands of
years, customs and behaviours which are accepted as socially
appropriate. For example, we say, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, at
appropriate times, and if we do this, people feel comfortable around us,
because we are acting in a safe and predictable manner. As long as we
act in socially accepted and appropriate ways, people feel safe around
us. In fact, in order for society to remain cohesive and for people to
be safe in human society, customs and social rules have been developed,
so that people do not overstep their individual boundaries.
These
social customs and behaviours that have been developed over thousands
of years in human societies, have formed an integral part of human social
development and stability. Therefore, if someone does not follow
social etiquette, people immediately feel threatened. And for this reason, people
typically shy away from others if they do not follow social customs and
etiquette.
Now Sullivan (and I agree) believes that our emotional
stability is dependent upon whether or not we feel that, firstly, those
who are closest to us love and accept us as we are. Secondly, it is
dependent on people in general loving and accepting us as people.
Therefore, ‘The Self’ (the part of our personality that learns the
customs and behaviours that we must perform in order for others to feel
comfortable around us) is integral to our emotional health. In order
for people to feel comfortable and safe around us, we must learn
accepted social customs and practises. If, for some reason, we do not
learn to apply social etiquette, people will feel threatened by our
behaviour, and in turn this will have detrimental effects on our self
esteem.
Learning to chat up girls actually improved my social skills!!!!
This
is very embarrassing, but around 4 years ago I started to read some
literature about dating, and how to chat up girls. As with everything I
do, I got very obsessed with the literature for a couple of years, and
spent much of my time out and about chatting and sometimes dating
girls. It was an interesting experience. I fundamentally abhor 90% of
what the literature taught now, but for a time I bought into it, and
actually it was an important part of my development. Despite the
rubbish that it teaches, one thing has had a profound impact on me. It
taught me to pay a much greater amount attention to how I was coming across, because
obviously, this was essential if I was to come across well when talking
to girls. In trying to close off this blog, so that you don’t get
completely bored, I am going to summerise a few key things that I learnt
that have had a profound impact on my social skills.
1) Don’t be overly aggressive
One thing which I learnt whist reading this ‘pick-up’ literature,
was that there is no need to argue about something if you disagree with
someone. So I don’t agree with what someone has said. Perhaps I
light-heartedly, in as unaggressive way as I can, point out an opposing
point of view to the one the person has presented. Now lets imagine the
person I am chatting to then disagrees with me again. What do I do?
Well prior to going through my recent social development, I would
have argued with the person and made every attempt to ‘prove’ that the
other person was wrong. So what have I achieved at the end of the
conversation? A) I’ve got angry, B) the other person has got angry C)
anyone else listening to the conversation now feels awkward D) I look
like a twat, who is more concerned about proving I am right than I am
with having an enjoyable social interaction.
I believe that anger
and aggression is almost always one of the fundamental traits that
accompanies mental health related issues. I was such an angry person
before I began this social journey. I became angry all day, about
injustices, about people who weren’t considerate – you name it.
However, during this period, I began to just try to let things go when
in conversation. Remarkably, as time went by, I actually started
becoming less angry as a person. I began to think, ‘actually, this
isn’t really such a big deal’. And I began to let things go. These
days, I am amazed by how good I am at letting things go. In the end, I
realise now that if I get angry, I am harming myself more than the
person I am angry with. Its really important not to suppress all our anger and
pretend to ourselves that we are not angry when we actually are – that
can be very damaging. But what I am saying is, that I have actually
become less angry as a person over these four years, mainly because I
began to get a different perspective on life.
2) Don’t speak just because you want to say something, speak because its going to add something enjoyable to the conversation.
As a result of trying to come across well socially, I began to try
to speak in a way that presented me in a good light. Before this recent
social journey, like a child, I would just say whatever was in my
head. Over the last 4 years I have begun to consider what I can say in a
conversation in order to add something to the conversation that will be
positive, and enjoyable. There’s no need to speak just to get what is
in my head out so everyone knows.
The trait of just saying
whatever comes into your head, regardless of the content is strange, and
in recent times I have marvelled at how I used to do it. It now seems
very childish to me. Young children do it, and its as though they
haven’t yet separated themselves from those around them: if they are
thinking something then it must be shared with whoever is listening. I
think part of it is to get approval. Eventually a child recognises that
they will get more approval if they are careful to act in a socially
appropriate manner. But many who do get stunted in their emotional
growth never pass through this stage.
However, some people have the opposite problem
This
would be a completely incomplete outline of social dynamics if I didn’t
mention that some people with serious emotional struggles have the
opposite problem to the one I had. Some people are so concerned about
never saying anything embarrassing or inappropriate that they become
cripplingly shy and reserved. I know a number of people who fall into
this category, including one of my close family members, and they would
possibly need to move in the opposite direction to the one I moved in
during my recent social journey, if they were to experience resulting
emotional benefits. I guess balance is the key – a middle ground: on
the one hand learning to get the best out of social situations by acting
socially appropriately, but on the other hand being bold enough to
contribute and initiate social interaction, and not being too afraid to
speak (definately not a problem for me!! Lol)
My self-esteem is so much higher now
As
a result of learning to act more appropriately, my self-esteem is
vastly higher than it was 4 years ago. Now I am able to get on and feel
comfortable around so many more people, and I know how to get a much
better response from people I meet.
Please leave comments
As
always I end by encouraging anyone to leave comments. I have already
seen that a hell of a lot of people have read my last blog over the last
week, and that people have viewed it in Russia, Germany, India, Canada
and the US. I’m only doing this to try and encourage others who, like
myself, have struggled with debilitating emotional health issues. Its
really encouraging to me if I know people are benefitting from my blogs
and I would also really love people to feel they can comment and add to
what I have said. Good luck to anyone trying to pursue the road of
emotional recovery!
Further Reading
Here is the link to the Wikipedia page about Harry Stack Sullivan, whose theories were drawn on in this blog: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Stack_Sullivan
At the end of the following article is a bibiography of H S Sullivan's work http://www.encyclopedia.com/topic/Harry_Stack_Sullivan.aspx
And here are 2 amazon link to one of Sullivan's books: The
Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Interpersonal-Theory-Psychiatry-Hs-Sullivan/dp/0393001385/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328019319&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Clinical-Studies-Psychiatry-Norton-library/dp/0393006883/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328019609&sr=1-1
